Why not now?
What a horrible day at work. I feel like I’m kept alive by the last remaining thread of hope I have, which is this scheme to go homeless. The mangling of my daily free time at this job is the most disheartening feeling I have ever had. I struggle to find ways to maintain my cool at work, but my dispassion is starting to seep out. I have been fortunate to have been able to use the facets of social engineering to get away with avoiding a lot more discomfort than I would otherwise.
But still, I feel so much happier on the weekends. I feel like I forget what happiness feels like during the work week. I had such an enlightening time in the city on Sunday–spent my day reading, writing, wandering about San Francisco. I bought a lunch and dinner with food stamps down at Bi-Rite in the Mission, spent $4 otherwise on coffee and tea. It was a model day for a vagabond’s life.
The discomfort with my current existence has prompted a re-evaluation of why I’m still working. I guess the reason I’m still at my job is that I’m committed to moving out at the Stanford semester break. I’m subletting from a friend right now, and though I’m under no official contract I guess I feel like it would be rude for me to leave so suddenly.
But I wonder if this is the correct course of action. I think if I don’t quit soon my mental health will be on the line. I don’t really know what to do with myself, but I’ve reached the point where I’m realizing that a whole lot of sanity is worth the slight discomfort (see previous entry) associated with a less-safe sleeping condition. Am I putting my friend and housemate’s happiness ahead of my own? I felt on Saturday night, after a bad day in wage prison, more miserable than I had in a long while. Not just miserable but like inconsolable. I wasn’t even depressed. I felt as if my character had somehow… diminished. I felt passionless–maybe passion-sapped is a better descriptor. It isn’t a good feeling.
I wonder if I will make it through the week at this job. I am trying to learn to meditate so that I can relieve some of this stress, but it’s quite hard as many know, especially when you first start out.
So, it’s because of my friend that I’m not leaving immediately. But it’s also because I have $28 to my name right now, and I could probably use just one more paycheck. Is this the right thing to do, to wait to quit? Or would it be more prudent for me to leave right now?
